Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2) Read online

  “So, what’s next?”

  I blinked hard and fast. “What do you mean?”

  “I’m your tutor…” His chin dipped. “You come to me for assistance.”

  My eyes dropped to my syllabus. “I don’t know.”

  “Okay.” He leaned into the table, closing his laptop. “You wanna start with what happened between us on Friday in the massage room?”

  The pounding in my chest returned and my mouth soured. Playing it off, I sighed, waving my hand in the air. “Friday was so…three days ago. I can’t remember what I had for breakfast this morning. You think I’m going to dwell on something that happened so long ago?”

  Ashton’s brows lifted, cheeks hiked as his head twisted to the side. “Oh. That’s how we’re going to play this? Like nothing happened?”

  My eyes fell away again. I didn’t know what to say. Why did we have to discuss it anyway? “What do you want me to say? I prefer nothing.”

  His chin dipped again. “Nothing?” Ashton’s forehead wrinkled. “All weekend, I waited to hear from you with…something, and you still don’t know what to say?”

  With the faintest movements, all I could manage was a head shake, still unable to look him in the eyes. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  I was wrong. Dead wrong, so why didn’t I regret it? That had been my struggle all weekend long. I had no regrets. Going down on him didn’t leave me feeling disgusted.

  Ashton scoffed. “You’re sorry? Really? For what?”

  I shrugged, feeling annoyed. “For everything. For whatever you want me to be sorry for—” I rolled my eyes. “Can we be done with this? I don’t wanna talk about it.”

  I was ready to bolt out the door. The heat from his confusion was too much for me.

  “No, Tori, we can’t be done with it. Can you be a mature adult for a few minutes? You sure did handle your biz like a tenured one on Friday.”

  I didn’t understand what that meant, but did get he was upset by what I did. “What I did was stupid. I get it. It was wrong. You didn’t like it. I didn’t think it through—”

  “I’ve got a girlfriend, Tori.”

  And there was that. I knew Ashton had a girlfriend. It didn’t always feel like it. In fact, it only felt like it when they were together. It wasn’t that he flirted with me or gave me any reason to believe he wanted me—that cryptic warning at the bonfire aside—but he still didn’t feel attached to someone else. That’s where I got confused with Ashton. Still, it was wrong to assume he’d be okay with me doing that to him. I still wondered where my boldness had come from. Randomly sucking dick was not my thing. I actually hated the act, until Ashton on Friday.

  My eyes closed in shame. “I know,” I whispered. “I swear to god, it won’t happen again. And I can understand if you don’t want to be cool—run with me—anymore.”

  I was breathless for an eternity, waiting on him to say something, give a cue that it was okay to move on. At the same time, I berated myself for being a whore to a guy who had seemed to be sincere in wanting to just be cool with me and help me fit in at BSU. And I fucked around, blowing the one thing working in my favor.

  Ashton opened his laptop again. “Professor Brown is going to let you freestyle for your next paper.” I was so lost in beating myself up, his words were foreign. “You can write anything you want, but it must be persuasive. A lot of people fuck this one up because she doesn’t provide visible parameters.” His words were identical to Professor Brown’s on Friday after she returned our graded papers. “My advice is to choose a topic and start working on your outline right away. That’s going to be key in staying on course with being persuasive.”

  He tapped his keyboard a few times as I waited with clenched legs and fists. “It’s due the week after Thanksgiving. You ain’t got much time if you’re going home for the short break. If you can have the outline by our next session, I can help you out with tightening it up and starting on the rough draft.”

  I licked my dry lips. “I’m not going home. I have a fight I need to get ready for right after Thanksgiving. I can work on it over the break.” I had a huge Chemistry test to prepare for, too. I couldn’t go home even if I had the money to.

  I caught Ashton’s eyes on me, his forehead tight again. Then he closed his laptop and snorted, “I forgot. Silly you don’t have a way of getting home now.”

  That cut deep. I slammed my binder close and jumped to my feet, grabbing my bookbag. With my back to him, I tried forcing the stupid binder inside, but it wouldn’t go. I gave up and gathered everything to my chest, then reached for the door. The moment I touched the knob, my body was pulled backward until my back was against the wall, and my bookbag and binder tumbled to the floor. Ashton was in my face, breathing hard with wide nostrils and slanted eyes.

  “Grow the fuck up, Tori, and stop playing this head game with me,” he growled in my face. “You don’t fuckin’ blow my mind with your mouth on my dick like that and expect me to not be fucked up about it.”

  “I said I was sorry.” I tried sounding tough—looking angry—although I was afraid. And confused. I was crazy lost in this thing with Ashton Spencer. “It won’t happen again.”

  “You think it’s that simple? You think I don’t want it to happen again?” His breaths were harsh and lips balled while he spoke. “You think it’s possible to put the genie back in the fuckin’ bottle now?”

  Here he was again, saying cryptic things, using phrases that went over my head.

  “What more can I say? What do you want me to do?”

  I watched his pupils dilate, the chestnut in them widened. Then slowly, his face moved closer to mine, his mouth open and I knew what was next.

  “Don’t,” I chirped.

  “Why?”

  My face squeezed. “Because you can’t.”

  “I need to.” His lips were on mine.

  Soft, moist breath hitting the inside of my mouth had my nipples tingling. That scared the shit out of me.

  Ashton wasn’t getting it. “I can’t,” I tried again.

  His head shifted away, but now he was frowning. “Why?”

  I chewed my lip, eyes closed. “Let’s just drop it. It’s embarrassing,” left my watering mouth in a whisper.

  “Tell me, McNabb.” That reference oddly made me feel stronger than my body said I was in the moment. It was what I preferred when it came to this subject. “You gonna try to tell me you’re not attracted to me after what you did on Frid—”

  “I don’t know how. I’ve never…” After a few heavy breaths, I managed to open my eyes. I had to.

  Ashton had shifted away even more. “How?”

  I shrugged and rolled my eyes away. “How do you think?”

  “I can’t think. Can’t even fathom how you can…” He pointed over his shoulder. “Do what you did, but can’t…kiss?”

  Exhaling, I pushed off the wall. “It’s been a long day. I need to go.”

  “Hold up.” His firm tone had me freezing with my shoulder to his chest.

  Then his big, hot hand was at my chin, turning me into him where his lips met mine, soft and slowly. Sweet. He lay into me, warming me to his presence, something I always despised. I needed my space from people like I needed air to breathe. But with Ashton Spencer against me this close, smelling him wasn’t repulsive, no matter how hard my heart pounded in my chest. When his tongue brushed across my bottom lip, I felt his hand tremble. Then it pushed inside my mouth. My tongue felt like cement, heavy and unmoving.

  This was Ashton Spencer, Aivery Cooper’s boyfriend. Why did this feel reckless? Muted recklessness. I couldn’t share this moment with anyone. Couldn’t be a normal girl and tell the world about my crush, or the first person who made me feel alive and not dirty.

  “Let me taste you, Nabby-girl.” His demand was throaty, but trusting. “Taste me.”

  When his lips pressed against mine again, I closed my eyes and let Ashton taste my tongue. His licked against mine softly, boldly. My knees buckled and he caught
me at my lower back, holding me to his abdomen, he was so tall. I don’t know when I decided on it, but my tongue lifted and pushed against his. Ashton received it, licking it with the tip of his. He did it a few times before pulling out and kissing my lips. There was a pattern he created that I couldn’t follow because I was too damn curious about the feel of him.

  “Slow down,” he groaned, chuckling.

  I opened my eyes to find his were heavy and crinkled at the sides. Glancing around, I realized my body was leaned into his, and Ashton was propped against the table behind him on one hand. I stood straight, wiping my mouth.

  “No. That was fine—you were fine.” He grabbed me again. “I just want you to slow down to enjoy it.” His hand was at the side of my face, making me feel…precious.

  I didn’t know how I felt about that. I was tough, not tender.

  “I—” I swallowed. “I did.”

  “Then look at me.”

  My head lifted and I looked him in his eyes, and whispered too girlishly, “I am.”

  “Good.”

  He kissed me again. He was inside my mouth sooner this time, and no matter how much I hated feeling so desperate, I met his tongue, wanting to swallow it whole. Ashton began sucking on my tongue. Sucking so softly, but with a pace and intensity of someone with experience. The throb between my legs grew so strong, I stood on my toes and squeezed my thighs together.

  Then I was flat on my feet again. And again, Ashton chuckled softly. “Did you like that?” My eyes fell and I nodded. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or do anything you don’t want to do. Okay?”

  I nodded, feeling disappointed.

  “What’s wrong?” Ashton was either panicked or angry. He took me at the chin again. “Talk to me.”

  I rubbed my lips together, not recognizing myself tonight. With him. “Do you believe me now?”

  “About not knowing how to kiss?” My head bobbed. He snorted, “Yeah.”

  I nodded again, knowing I should have felt slighted, but didn’t. This was Ashton. Even when he wanted to be rude, he never did it in a way that made me feel unseen.

  “Can I try that on you?”

  “What?”

  “What you just did to my tongue.”

  He growled, pushing me against the wall. “The fuck’re you doing to me?”

  Then his lips were on mine, tongue against my own. I captured it, allowed him to feed me inches before I was able to grip and suck on it. Taking the lead excited me, made me feel bold and in control. Ashton grabbed my ass, pulling me into him more as he massaged it. I felt his dick grow in his jeans, against my belly. And I liked it.

  Who was I? When did this become something I was okay with? I was equally scared and, I thought, horny. I wasn’t too sure; I’d never felt this way before. Every place he touched me, I felt…good, and the places he did not were lonely. But this wasn’t right. It couldn’t be. It felt too good. And Ashton had a girlfriend.

  This time, I pulled back. Wiping my mouth, I turned away from him and went for my book bag.

  “Tori…” Ashton looked frustrated, but he didn’t stop me this time. He roughly raked his fingers from his head, down to his face as he groaned. “Did I do something wrong?”

  “Aivery,” was my one-word answer.

  Our muted truth.

  He nodded, licking his lips, eyes in the corner of the room. I wanted to save him with nice words or assure him we were still cool, but nothing came to mind.

  The door opened and a guy with the worst case of acne pushed inside. His eyes swung between Ashton and me, confused. “I’m a few minutes early, but I thought…”

  Exhaling, Ashton moved toward his chair. “Nah, Roger. You’re good.”

  Ewwww…

  The Roger guy reeked something terrible. I was happy to leave.

  “Tori,” Ashton called me. I turned, just out of the doorjamb. “I’m sorry.”

  His apology wasn’t in his words or tone. It was in his eyes as the Roger guy dug through his bookbag. I appreciated Ashton’s kind words, but I had none to return, so I left.

  “And my last point to you!” Coach Green shouted to our kneeling bodies out on the field. “Remember, American football is an alpha man’s game. I don’t give a fuck about your personality placement off this field, but when you put on that uniform and take to the green, wearing these helmets, you’re a fuckin’ alpha man. You dominate. Your thoughts are solely on implementing instructions and waiting for that window of opportunity, when something goes out of sequence and we must defend our play or advance ourselves on the field.” He peered into all of us as the coordinators and trainers stood behind him.

  The sweat dripping from my head, thanks to intense plays during practice tonight, had dried up. My heart had resumed its resting rate, and my mind was locked onto my leader.

  “Fuck getting lost in the moment!” he continued. “When you’re on this field, you dominate from first quarter to last. Know the plays, yes! But adopt the mindset of the fuckin’ Panthers. Even before I became head coach, this team’s spirit was alpha males. Remember, passivity is equivalent to pussy. And if that’s the type of day you’re having when we play, you don’t belong here. We’ve got a solid month left of the season, and I know you can do it.” He scoffed, “Shit. We all know what you’re made of, which is why you’re here and in the roles you’re in. We’re a solid team, and one who dominates the game of football.”

  Coach blew the whistle, then began walking the huddle. “I’m not just a man,” he declared forcefully.

  Our response came next. “I am a Panther!”

  He continued, “My ancestors weren’t just resilient.”

  “They were warriors!”

  “I will never be average.”

  “I’m superior!” we barked.

  Then we finished together on a mighty shout, “And tomorrow, we will remind the world!”

  We were dismissed, and I had a one-track mind to hit the showers. Enduring jokes and mundane short conversations, I was able to wash, dress, and skate out of the locker room without company. I pulled the envelope out of my locker and stuffed it in my back pocket before slamming the door and bidding a goodnight to my teammates. With a steady pace, I headed over to the boxing gym. Relief rained over me when I saw she was still there. I’d missed her sparring, but Tori was still finishing up on her workout. Peering through the same window where my team and I saw her workout for the first time, I watched, captivated.

  The girl was a beast. I wondered where she went when doing the one leg-one arm burpee combo. I couldn’t find the strain on her impassive face, just her jaws working as she chewed gum. Those shits killed me during my sessions, so I knew they were no easy feat. But she ate them up. And when her trainer, Tyrone, blew the whistle, she seamlessly transitioned to side planks with an eight to ten-second hold. Sweat dripped from her face onto the floor, creating a puddle she ignored. The girl was amazing.

  When Tyrone blew the whistle again, Tori stopped and jumped to her feet. She was handed a bottle of water and drank it as her team debriefed with her. I left the window and made my way to the locker room where I knew she’d be headed to eventually. After a few minutes, Tori silently ambled down the hallway alone, with a towel over her head.

  I stuck my foot out to trip her—or make her think I would. Tori stopped just at my leg, near the opening of the locker room. She pulled the towel from her head, eyes widening as she transferred herself into the here and now.

  “You were going to trip me?”

  I shrugged, unable to fight my smirk. “I was going to see if you were going to trip yourself.”

  Her chin dipped and eyes narrowed, reminding me how long the last two days had been without seeing her in the mornings. “On your leg?”

  “Or other things.” My grin deepened.

  Why was I being a world-class ass? It was so counterproductive to my mission tonight.

  Tori rolled her eyes away. “I said I was sorry about that, Spencer.”

  I
straighten against the wall. “I’m fuckin’ with you, McNabb.”

  “I see.” She began inside the locker room as though she knew I’d follow. She was right. “And I’m too tired to entertain your foolishness.”

  I could see the fatigue in her heavy shoulders as she dropped down onto a bench near the long vanity counter. The girls’ locker room was just as big and as state-of-the-art as ours, only lighter with softer tones.

  “Then I’ll make it short. I came to make amends.” I placed my foot on the edge of the bench and rested my elbow on my thigh. “And to say I’d like to resume our morning runs.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why do you wanna run again together? A.D. Jones made you do it anyway.”

  With pouted lips, I nodded. She had a point.

  “Because I got used to ghosting your ass on the track, and I want that same satisfaction to start my days.”

  This time, Tori tried masking her smile as she turned away, shaking her head. “You want me to be the person who’s slower than you, all for you to feel good about yourself?”

  I gave an affirmative nod. “Every morning—at least weekdays—yes.”

  “But I didn’t know we were competing out there.”

  We weren’t.

  “Well,” I exhaled, dropping my leg. “I’ve made my wishes known. We’ll see if you’re G enough to accept the challenge.”

  Tori chuckled, back arched lazily. Not even that could hide her massive tits in the gray sports bra. “But I’m not challenging you in running.”

  I made a gesture to dismiss her point. “Lastly, the amends part. I told you two days ago before you left the study room in the library that I’m sorry. Saying sorry isn’t good enough. My grandmother is no Margaret, but she did teach me to demonstrate an apology.”

  “Sorry for what?”

  “For being an indelible asshole to you.”

  “But you’re being one tonight.”

  My brows lifted. “Hence the indelible adjective.” I pulled the envelope from my back pocket and handed it to her. “I may have to get used to doing shit like this because I can’t control my assholeness around you.”